I loved intimacy and was a skilled and willing lover, but he took all that confidence away by rejecting me. He even stopped kissing me. We started living like roommates, when I wanted so much more.
He had a heart attack after a year together, and was off work for a year. He withdrew all affection, was silent and refused to acknowledge me or how sad I was, because I did love him. I kept staying even though I was desperately unhappy. I even wanted to end my own life at times because I was so miserable.
I stayed and was exhausted from work and felt like I was looking after a baby at home too. I have a chronic illness, but I did everything for him. Every day was stressful. He had no concern for my welfare at all. Never wanted to know anything about me. Only what I could do for him and that he wasn't alone. He said he loved me, so I stayed.
I finally left when I thought he was going to kill me after he went back to work. He became crazy and went 'postal' at work. He kept calling me every day, and I kept listening and trying to support him, even though he had insane rambling toxic crap he dumped on me about work (out of compassion). I was so afraid he would die alone of another heart attack and his family was calling me, everyone was concerned about his mental health too, but he didn't seem to care.
He then wrote and told me 'he didn't need me anymore' because he had another heart attack at work and he was on paid leave.
I then found him on a dating site (a friend tipped me) looking for his 'soul mate' which completely infuriated me. I was only gone 2 months! I have no idea how long he was on there. He talked about going to parties when he didn't want to do anything with me. All this after a 2nd heart attack!
He had no sex drive at all. We even went to the Doctor about it. After I left, he confessed he lost his libido years ago, before I came along. All that time, I blamed myself and lost a lot of confidence as a woman.
I was very good to him. We rarely fought, but he was abusive by rejecting me all the time, shutting me out and making everything my fault. If we did start to fight, he was so cruel, I became afraid, so I shut up.
Now, I am left with so much anger at myself that I stayed with a man who didn't care about me in any way. I stayed out of compassion even though I was so sad and lonely inside and he refused to deal with it.
He was negative and selfish, and I can't believe how much I put up with. I isolated myself from my family and friends too, which is never a good sign.
I wanted to stay 'friends' but can't now. I wrote him and told him off big time! I lost my fear, and am only angry now, which I don't want to be. It's not in my nature.
I shake inside with rage if I think about it. I don't want to be bitter about men, but I feel that way now. I'm afraid to date again, I blame myself for staying.
I felt I couldn't leave a man who was so ill with a heart attack and depression. But now, see how stupid that was when he cared only about himself.
He said he was relieved when I left because at least he didn't have to feel bad about himself, knowing how unhappy I was. Gee, thanks!
How did you get over this? I have a pattern of getting in bad relationships. I'm too nice! This is why I am on here.
I appreciate any advise about how you got over it, and is it a good idea to start dating again when I feel so angry?
I have a tendency to stay away from men for years when this type of thing happens and I am a good woman and love men and want to find true love, except now I just feel used and untrusting.
Sorry this is so long!
Thank you for any help you can offer.How do I get over anger at myself for staying in an abusive relationship?
Look at this way: You are a very caring and loving woman who fought very hard to keep a marriage together, and you did everything in your power to do that. Don't kick yourself and blame yourself for your ex partner's shortcomings. It sounds like he had a lot of mental issues as well as physical issues. What you need to do is realize that you gave it your all, and that you didn't just up and quit when it got tough. That is character, and loyalty which in these days and times are hard to find. Count yourself lucky that you got out now and are able to pursue a relationship with someone new who is deserving of these qualities that you have and will appreciate them. You will never get the time back that you spent with your ex, but do you really want to waste more time on him with all this anger? Go find a good therapist if you can and talk this out to get rid of the anger, and then get back in touch with your family and friends, and start living your life the way it was meant to be. Also invest in a good punching or kicking bag, and whack it every time you start to get angry. This will help some with the physical release of that anger.. When you start feeling better about yourself, and realizing that it wasn't your fault, then you will be ready to start dating again. You can also figure out that fate or karma has a way with dealing with someone like your ex, and that you don't have to do a thing. He will bring more misery and problems on himself, so you are much better off without him. How do I get over anger at myself for staying in an abusive relationship?
I think the fact that you're angry is good - if you weren't angry, that would worry me (because in a situation like that, you're going to be angry, the only question is whether or not you let yourself feel it).
I think you need to accept your anger, give yourself a little bit of time, and move on. But try not to let this bad experience ruin your ability to give - hopefully, you'll find yourself in a wonderful relationship soon, and your ability to give and care will help the relationship grow.
Good Luck!
I found the best way to get over an abusive relationship is to casually date (just for fun) and focus on yourself. Do things that make YOU happy. Try putting yourself before others, including close friends. Treat yourself the way you believe a man should treat you. When you're ready for a more serious relationship DO NOT settle for a bum. You'll begin to look for men who up to your standards. A man who will give in to your needs and desires. Trust me, it works.
- date casually.. for fun
- put yourself above alllll others
- spoil yourself
- when you think you're ready find a man who can live up to your expectations and never settle for less.
Are you going to let more time be wasted on being angry at yourself and what has been? Instead why dont you forgive the pain that you both put you through and get out there where someone that can appreciate spending their time in your company and that makes you feel good to be you when your with them will have a chance of making your acquaintance. ARE YOU STILL SITTING THERE? You know what you need to do. Go find it.
Many of us have been there, and had too much faith in a loser.
The important thing now is that you're free. You know what you don't want, and you know what you do want.
I was involved with a guy who leeched off of me for two years. In the end I grew to hate him yet I was still willing to stay with him, hoping we could work it out. He had a poor attitude and always seemed to think he was the victim. Once I left him, and realized I could do much better, I was able to move on. However, seven years later I still look back and kick myself for being so stupid. It's human nature. It happens. You're a good person and tried to help him. You stayed much longer than you should have. It didn't work. Luckily there are no children involved, and you can move on and find someone who treats you right!
I think that if you are angry about anything it should be about ';why you didn't know'; the man you moved in with. Maybe you jumped into the relationship too quickly. What you described sounds more like a very sick man both emotionally and physically and not like an abuser. I don't understand why you would be angry with yourself about staying with a man after he had a heart attack....that was the right thing to do.
I think that you need to wait before you start dating and when you start again, take it slow....make sure you really know the person before you further the relationship. Also, people present themselves as much better than they are on the computer.....I don't consider conversations on the computer as getting to know someone....it is getting to know the person who they wish to present. You need to spend time with people in ';real life'; before you know whether or not you are compatible and if you are ';in love';
Make sure that you don't come across as desperate to be in a relationship, because that will definitely attract ';losers';....Also, try not to judge your value based on your significant other or lack of....take time to find yourself and love yourself.
Is that what they call abusive nowadays ? I Thought it was just plain old everyday crap a couple go through in marriage . Sounds to me the guys heart couldn't take all the loving you had to give . I think you was just to much for him . Not your fault though . You need to find a wild and crazy guy . A healthy one .
This guy owes you a HUGE debt, one that he can never repay. The only way you can get over the anger you feel is to forgive him. You may think he doesn't deserve it, which is understandable, but as long as you continue to think that way he will continue to have power over you via this anger. Picture him sitting in a chair across from you and forgive him. Even say it out loud. It will take time, but feelings follow actions.
You know deep in your heart that none of what happened is your fault. It is truly amazing how much damage a man can give to your heart, your mind and your spirit. You deserve to be angry, but not at yourself,at the man who took away your self. You must look on the good side of things. You have no children with him, you still have your health. And now that your not in the relationship with him, you also have you. And you know your a loving person, who made the mistake of loving an unstable man. It will take time to get over the mental abuse, and be free to love a better man. You also now know the signs of an abuser, and you won't make the same mistake again. You can start by telling yourself it wasn't you, Out loud to yourself and believe it. Look in the mirror and tell yourself you love yourself. Heal your self, There are men out there that will love you as you love them. If you have to change your phone number, move to a new place, stop his family from calling by blocking their number, do it. And ask your friends not to tell you any information they learn of his life, cause you must start to live your own, to better horizons. I stayed for 12 years. Emotional, physical, and mental abuse. I finally found myself and focused on learning to live without the need to be loved by a man, and became happy with my decisions, trust myself and leaned to be my own pleasure. When your ready, love will find you, and you'll be ready for the love.
Dear Shaila J.
I am so sorry that this is the kind of man you ended up with to mess up your mind and your heart. Now this is over and done with. Don't look back you did what you could to do so that relationship would blosom still it was not enough, I really never liked the idea of finding love over the internet I guess it just doen't work for me. They try to seem that they are the best there is in life and they are so needy for someone like you that would give your life for this excuse of a man.
You did not do anything to this man, he was the one with the problem but he was playing mind games with you that you started believing that you were at fauld that's the fames yeah it's your fault. You were reaction in this relationship like most woman when they marry, we give our all and in sickness and in health till death do us part. That's whats wrong with us. We love too much, and they just use that to their advantage. It seems that he drained you of all yourself esteem and even ended up depressed because he was a womanizer. Not all men are the same thank the lord but there are many of which don't deserve the time of day from woman it's like they were never born from a woman they treat woman like dirt. I just want emphazise that you did not do anything wrong and yes you stock it out because you are not a quiter and you were hoping that he would eventually wake up and realize what he was doing to you. He probably did not have a sex drive because he had affairs with maybe 2 or 3 other woman in the internet that is probably what turned him on. But if knowing that why did he go and started a relationship with you and treat you like he did. I am sorry I don't hate men either but this one in particular I think he is the lowest of the lowest of men and consider him a sewer rat. He deserves what he gets in life and that is getting heart attacts so he says. Not that I wish any wrong doing to anyone but I do believe what you do in this world or to someone you'll pay for it before you go to the other existense. With this I wish you the best of luck Oh, give yourself some time to heal from this don't start dating so quickly their is alot you have to sort out and realize why did you stay in this relationship that was reckless and poisonis to you.
Good Luck
You know hon ~ What you said sure sounds allot like my marriage to
John as now he is living out West in Canada and I'm south but we are still
married.. I call his mother once in a while but it did take me about 2 yr.s
to find myself and start loving me again after all the abuse he put me though and I let him 4 almost ten yr.s .
The isolation from your family was not your doing hon.
As that's what abusers do to their women it's part of the control %26amp; abuse
they use on you and the next one that gets mixed up with them will
have the same man (HIM)
As far a him having heartache's mine did too!
And the med.s he was taking cause that but it was my fault too.
as I moved upstairs and let him have his own bedroom as to get away from his big mouth and his abuse.
finally he hit me for the last time and I called the police on John my husband he ran out of town back home to stop from going back to jail.
Not that he wanted to cause he kept calling me but I wouldn't answer
his phone calls and sent all of his clothes on the bus to his mothers town~He said lol
he was living with his brother but his mom told me he had a g/f
how that poor women but up with his bull I'll never know nor do I care cause I am dating now a nice man and would never think of seeing something like that likes of a man like that again. All I can say is Time heals all pain. And when you start to love who you are then u can love again only then after all this what not your Fault he's a jerk not you!
I sure pray this helps you hon as your worth more then your feel right now and will be alright as soon as you see he was a user and a women hater..Now work on loving your self 100% and you will find your soul mate not a jerk like him.
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