Tuesday, November 16, 2010

I am lonely and want to be in love, but then I push them away... Is the problem in my head?

I want to be close to someone and have a partner there to love so that we can take care of one another. I want someone to talk to, to hold me, to make love with, to be a family with.



But every time I meet someone, even nice guys, something inside of me just tells me that it's not right (as in not the right person). I try to ignore that feeling and get to know the person anyway, but I always end up pushing them away. I don't know, though, whether it is truly intuition speaking to me (and that I should listen), or whether it is just fear.



I was married for 6 years and was miserable for most of that time, so I'm divorced. My ex-husband was very selfish and demanded that I constantly do everything for him. He never took care of me and didn't ever even allow me time to take care of myself. He was very emotionally abusive, but I had fears about leaving him for multiple reasons, including threats he made about kidnapping our 2 kids.



Anyway, I finally got up the courage and left him and all his threats were just bluffs. But my point is, I think that having had such a rotten experience with him made me afraid. Plus, I have never felt taken care of or really loved by anyone except my children (I say taken care of because they truly are sweet girls who do things for me like rubbing my back when I'm tired and cuddling with me).



Other than them, my parents seriously neglected me and were never affectionate with me, and I have never had a man love me like I think love is supposed to be. So I feel unloved and neglected. Also, I have only ever had myself to rely on, so I push myself to extremes to do everything myself. I have an excellent but demanding job, do everything for my kids without any time off, clean, cook, etc. and I berate myself when I can't get it all done.



SO with needing help, love, kindness, etc., why do I push men away who I can see would be good to me? I also was very much in love with someone who I thought was my soul mate, but he apparently didn't feel that way so he kept stringing me along (wanted me then didn't- kept coming back then going away again) until I couldn't take it anymore and ended it for good. But all I can think when I meet someone new is that I could never feel about them the way I felt about him.



So do you think the problem is me or has the right one just not come along yet? And how do I keep faithful that it is going to happen for me?I am lonely and want to be in love, but then I push them away... Is the problem in my head?
Any intelligent guy that you meet will certainly pick up on your hangups for an ex-boyfriend, husband, etc. And no guy wants that baggage. No self-respecting guy, that is.



It sounds to me that you fear finding the right guy and are shielding yourself from future pain, or you don't think you'd be worthy of the right guy if you did happen to find him. In the end, it all comes back to you. Like the old addage says, you can't truly love anyone else until you learn to truly love yourself.



You probably need to be the one in control of the relationship next time, unless you're fortunate to find someone who will treat the relationship like an equal partnership. It's not easy to find. I hope you find it.I am lonely and want to be in love, but then I push them away... Is the problem in my head?
I believe it may be a combination of both and you may be putting too much pressure on yourself to succeed immediately. To find that right person it's not going to be easy,or it could happen tomorrow when you walk into the gas station,Laundromat or what have you.When as you say your inter self tells you this guy is not it, for whatever reason then why waste your time,move on. Your not going to change this person into the one that will love you more than himself,chances are you will just push him away. Your right being in love is a really nice place and I'm sure that if you just go about living your life and not look for this magic in every ones eyes you will find it
Sorry i didnt read what you all wrote. But I'm just going to say, recognise your emotion example: snap out of it before it gets worst.
You are very brave and strong- look at how much you have accomplished in your life! You left an abusive husband, are raising 2 precious little girls, and are a strong independent woman. You need to first of all give yourself some credit for all that you have done. Now you have to learn to love yourself. It might be helpful to talk to someone like a doctor, church leader, etc. or attend a support group, since you are dealing with a lot of emotions. Beyond that, keeping a journal to write your thoughts down would also work as well. Once you learn to love yourself again and get stronger, love will find you when you least expect it, not when you go out looking for it. You are very strong and brave- stay positive and you will find love!!

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