I am lonely and want to be in love, but then I push them away? Please help?

I want to be close to someone and have a partner there to love so that we can take care of one another. I want someone to talk to, to hold me, to make love with, to be a family with.



But every time I meet someone, even nice guys, something inside of me just tells me that it's not right (as in not the right person). I try to ignore that feeling and get to know the person anyway, but I always end up pushing them away. I don't know, though, whether it is truly intuition speaking to me (and that I should listen), or whether it is just fear.



I was married for 6 years and was miserable for most of that time, so I'm divorced. My ex-husband was very selfish and demanded that I constantly do everything for him. He never took care of me and didn't ever even allow me time to take care of myself. He was very emotionally abusive, but I had fears about leaving him for multiple reasons, including threats he made about kidnapping our 2 kids.



Anyway, I finally got up the courage and left him and all his threats were just bluffs. But my point is, I think that having had such a rotten experience with him made me afraid. Plus, I have never felt taken care of or really loved by anyone except my children (I say taken care of because they truly are sweet girls who do things for me like rubbing my back when I'm tired and cuddling with me).



Other than them, my parents seriously neglected me and were never affectionate with me, and I have never had a man love me like I think love is supposed to be. So I feel unloved and neglected. Also, I have only ever had myself to rely on, so I push myself to extremes to do everything myself. I have an excellent but demanding job, do everything for my kids without any time off, clean, cook, etc. and I berate myself when I can't get it all done.



SO with needing help, love, kindness, etc., why do I push men away who I can see would be good to me? I also was very much in love with someone who I thought was my soul mate, but he apparently didn't feel that way so he kept stringing me along (wanted me then didn't- kept coming back then going away again) until I couldn't take it anymore and ended it for good. But all I can think when I meet someone new is that I could never feel about them the way I felt about him.



So do you think the problem is me or has the right one just not come along yet? And how do I keep faithful that it is going to happen for me?I am lonely and want to be in love, but then I push them away? Please help?
to much to read