Why do I regret this marriage when we love each other so much - or am i just plain stupid?!?

I got married when i was 40.. been 3 years now. I married the man i still love so much. And i know he loves me a lot. My husband was divorced with 2 children and had already done his vasectomy. So we cannot have any children of our own. I knew this before marriage, but I thought his children will be enough for us. And he had told me that it is a reversible process so it is not impossible if we want to have children. I had always wanted to be single, and was looking forward to adopting a child, and then I met my husband.


After a year into marriage we bought a house near where his children lived with their mom. I love my step children immensely, and I am a good friend and step mom to them. We have a great relationship. But they do not call me mom - and I am never getting the feeling that I am a mom to them in any way. My husband now refuses to have a child with me, and if I want to adopt, he says I can, but he does not want to have anything to do with the child - any responsibility financially, emotionally or physically since he already has gone through all that. How Selfish!!!! My husband and I are from different cultures, and he is also partially handicapped. I work an hour and half away from our home. Yes, I was stupid enough to put my husband and kids ahead of me and I sold my beautiful house and moved to where he worked so we can be closer to our kids. I drove initially, then car pooled, now i work longer days shorter week and stay in the town I work during the week and go home during the 3-day weekend.


I see and feel a lot of unfairness in this relationship. We have our finances separate, and I make more than my husband. I am all about 50-50 in any relationship and he liked it that way too. Since my husband paid a big down payment for the house (to keep the monthly payment low) I am now paying extra into the mortgage 'with interest' to meet his share of the down payment. In addition I am also paying for my studio apartment I stay at during the week.. and I have my car payments as well. My husband is very cheap compared to me - I am a giver (and a spender) while he is a taker (and a saver)- and no I did not see this when I was so blindly in love. I want to have a good lawn and garden, and want to paint the rooms of our 20 yr old house, change the ugly old toilets, and change the moldy patio door...and he does not want to put any money for any of it !!!


I have so many dreams and goals - like travelling and going to watch hockey or philharmonic orchestra. He is completely different - and i feel i have cheated myself into this marriage. He is still my best friend, and i love him so much - but i have so much resentments. Even to fix anything in the house, i have to schedule them during the days i am off or i have to take the day off when he can drive home a mile to take care of it. All he ever seem to do these days is watch TV or play with his computers. He does not like Indian food (yeah, I鈥檓 Indian and he is American - and no I didn鈥檛 need a green card through him - I already was a US citizen!). and always has his own diets that i don鈥檛 have to worry about cooking for him - but sigh- i love cooking... and there is no one anymore for me to cook for... i always had great dinners at my house with my friends, and i used to take so much pride in the way i kept house and my cooking. I love my job and i would hate to leave it to be closer to home - especially in this economy. Heck - i even put on 50lbs since i got married!





As you can see - I don鈥檛 seem to feel love is enough in a marriage. I wish i could still have him as my husband but that we could live a separate life.. even sell the house etc. that way i can have my own house closer to my work, i can adopt a child, have my garden, have my dog with me every day (i only get to see him at weekends), get together with my friends, and my sisters more often.


I just don鈥檛 know what to do ! I feel like such a door mat that he takes advantage of! And i think it is all BS when people say 'if you really love him, you will let go of all your other wishes in your life... well.. shouldn鈥檛 love be equal from both sides? Has our love become one-sided ? One of my friend said that it all seems like i love my husband more than he loves me, and that's where all the problem is rooting from. Would that really be true?Why do I regret this marriage when we love each other so much - or am i just plain stupid?!?
Here's the thing - you got married, never expecting to have children with your husband. He'd had a vasectomy. You clearly made the choice to be with someone that couldn't have kids, and can't reasonably expect him to reverse his vasectomy to have a kid at this point. As well, it's not unreasonable for a man in his 40's to not want to go through raising a small child again - that's a lot of work, and he simply may not be up to it at his age.





If it's important to you to have a child (whether your own, or adopted), then you're going to need to do it without your husband's help. However, if you're living an entirely separate life from him - living in your own place, raising a child on your own, it does beg the question: How much of a marriage is that?





You seem to have made a lot of concessions in your marriage - giving up your home, your dog, your time with your friends, your hopes of being a mother. If you're unhappy with the situation, and don't feel as though it's fair, you have three options.


1. Keep on living with things the way they are. However, I think you'd be miserable if you keep on the way you have been. You're missing out on the things that make you happy, and aren't deriving much joy from your marriage either.


2. Live a life separate from your husband. However, will you still be contributing to the expenses of a household you no longer live in, while providing for your own lifestyle and home?


3. Leave your husband, and start over. Divorce will most likely be unpleasant and expensive, but you would be free at the end of it to live your life the way you'd like to.





You have a difficult decision to make. Talk things over with the people you trust most, and do what feels right for you. Good luck.Why do I regret this marriage when we love each other so much - or am i just plain stupid?!?
i might finish reading this later
Well, I'd have to agree with your friend at least somewhat, but not entirely. It doesn't sound too much that you love him more than he loves you, but more like you're willing to put more into the marriage than he is. Sometimes people marry their best friends, and stay married because they stay best friends. But other times best friends just can't be married. Doesn't mean anyone loves anyone any less...it's just the everyday compatibilities.
I don't understand the problem.


You have no kids with this guy and you think you made a mistake.


So go live in that place you live in town and don't go home on the weekends.


Stop making payments to the house you make more money than he does, tell


him its time to separate because you changed your mind about the living arrangements.





He offered to reverse the vasectomy but you said no and now you want a child, you have way too many conflicts.


You are not on the same page as he and you sound like you are too set in your ways at age 40.


I suggest you do not adopt now, unless you want an older child like 8 -10 year range.


At 40 years old if you try to adopt an infant you will be in your 60s before they graduate


from school.


Personally I think you are not emotionally stable to raise a child, find some volunteer work to do on your days off and fill it with helping others, even schools and churches need help with children. Better to babysit, do childcare or something with kids to fill that need but to have one now would be selfish of you. You sound like the type once you had a child for a few years you would change your mind and you can't just walk away or divorce an adopted child.
He sounds very selfish. LOVE and marrige is A partnership you make decesions together it seems to me that he doesn't care what you want your needs and your hopes and dreams. Incompletely undertake that you want to feel like a mother and the fact that it's so important to you and he doesn't want to fufill it amd make you happy seems to me like your not really married I feel like he's in a realtionship with himself or not fully commited to you. I know you love him but I think it's time you sit him down and seriously tell him I want kids whether it's yours on spores or I'm leaving . I can tell your not happy living the way you are coming into a new home is supposed to be fun and exciting but he just doesn't care. I think the fact that he's been in a realtionship already and itb didnt work out should be a RED flag Good luck!!!Inreally hope you have children of your own someday =)
I feel very sorry for you, it is obvious you have put much more into this relationship than him.





All his promises....have now been abandoned by him.





Your worth more....life is so short....get out.....get your place and see your family and friends....have your garden......you deserve more.








Be brave it's hard to think of yourself for once....but do it....your will be much happier.





He'll survive...he's selfish.
I'm similar to the man you are talking about, only younger.


He does not love you less than you love him. My ex-girlfriend who I used to live with was a spender and I was a saver. I just didn't feel comfortable not having money in the bank or being close to zero in the bank. Saving to me is the smartest way to live your life financially. Saving will one day save your life, fix your car, save your future from job loss, help you when you retire. Unfortunately my ex blew all her money when she got it, then wanted to spend mine as well. I felt that was unfair and she felt it was unfair that I was holding on to my money.


As far as the kids I never had them with her and it was not an issue but I can see where he is coming from. He has already gone through the trouble of having kids and I'm sure it stressed him out.


Most men older than 40 don't want to have kids as they are tired and will retire in 20 years.


It is not his fault and not yours. Just two different lifestyles. If you want to stay with him get your dog but your going to have to forget about kids. And why pay for a studio?? you should live at the house.


There is nothing wrong with 50/50. Its how it should be in my eyes.
You and your husband probably love each other equally but he seems extremely stubborn. Try telling him that you are unhappy being away from him and your home so much and sell the house and move closer. If he refuses, as it sounds like he probably will, then maybe consider moving on and having the life you want alone. It seems like you love him but it just doesn't seem to be working. It's sad he can't even compromise on where to live. Good luck and I hope it works out but don't feel you need to be married to have a good life.
It is not that u love your husband more than he love u, but


u must love, but u must love wisely.


U have made lot of adverse changes to your lifestyle, which was uncalled for, now u seem to be paying for your bad decisions


always love wisely


maybe love is blind, but make decisions with your eyes open, knowing the consequences of your decisions. Bargain in love, so that u get a better life style than before, not worse lifestyle than before.


make sacrifices only when asked for or if u get something in return, do not volunteer to make sacrifices, and regret later.
dear ur story is too much emotional for me


ya i think that u love him more than he u r rich n i think he want ur money if i will there in place of u i will b happy in that situation its realy hurt that u love someone but u dont get any from him i suggest u to b happy or make ur friends to share ur feelings
You are not stupid, but lack common sense, logic, observation and understanding.